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Whinge
Banshee Index, 07/03
posted: 03/27/07
I doubt I'll do this on any kind of regular basis. Then again, who knows? I'll tell you who: no one. It simply cannot be known. Please, waste no brain juice on this matter. Let go.
- Reasons anyone needed for Sugar Ray to cover Joe Jackson's uber-classic "Is She Really Going Out With Him?": 0
- Number of repeat radio listens to the White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army" before I can tolerate it no longer (which I regret, and it's not their fault): 0
- Ratio of evil to good of Clear Channel Communications, the largest radio conglomerate in the nation: 10:1
- Number of trips to The Gap that it took before I realized they don't make black jeans anymore, you know, just simple ones that aren't "Boot Cut" (actually, come to find out, they do, but they're now an online exclusive[?] - and they don't have my size anyway) or some other ridiculously low-slung-waisted embarassment in waiting that I can't possibly pull off: 3
- Time in years that I've roamed the earth: 33.5
- How vividly I recall actually wearing the "fashions" that are regarded as "vintage" today, back when they were simply "what you find on the sale rack at JCPenney shopping with mom, right now, in 1977," on a scale of 1 to 10: 8
- Average number of serious schoolyard beatings I took because "Your momma dresses you funny": 3 per school year
- Years momma dressed me funny: 6
- Percentage of men who look like a eunuch when wearing flat front pants (sure, you could wear the codpiece, but it's so 1540, man): 99%
- Rating, in terms of stars, one star being the lowest and five stars being the highest, that I would give the film "Secretary," and subsequent recommendation I would put forth (also in terms of stars) to you to see said film if you were, say, looking for a cinematic offering in which a sheltered though troubled young woman (Maggie Gyl-lel-lel-lel-lel-lel-lenhaal) decides to cast off inhibitions (and a few other habits) with the help of her masochistic boss (James Spader) by engaging in such crucial office tasks as crawling on all fours down a hallway with a freshly sealed envelope in her mouth; reviewing red-inked typing mistakes, bent over a desk, palms down, whilst receiving "discipline;" wearing a saddle and holding a carrot in her teeth, among many others (you know, your basic sweet little S&M romance): 4½ stars
- While watching fireworks on the beach for the first time in my life, on the Fourth of July, no less, percentage of my body that felt "all tingly inside": 96%
- Number of times I have flown with my brand new acoustic guitar flight case (which comes with an ATA guarantee against damages up to a paltry $1,500, which is better than nothing, I suppose) to the number of times that the Transportation Security Administration has felt it necessary to pry its locks open to "inspect" what is inside said guitar case (which is, lest I mislead anyone, manufactured in the unmistakeable shape of a guitar): 1:1
- Chances that, should you be driving a bronze Mercedes station wagon, and I have dutifully waited in a line of vehicles for far too long to pay my exhorbitant long-term parking fee ($46), only to have you decide it's unnecessary for you to consider the aforementioned in the equation when you simply raise a hand and look away (as if to say, "Thanks," but, not really) as you pull across two lanes of traffic and forcibly nose in front of me and about 50 other vehicles waiting to turn left - I say - chances that I will do everything in my power, including but not limited to agressively pulling out and hopping the curb and driving up onto the grass of a median next to you (you shan't get away that easily), gun it past you as you turn and pass you in the driving (not passing) lane, cut in front of you, put the brakes on and drive at a controlled 15mph for the next half mile before you can exit, causing you to ponder, not very deeply I might wager, why you ever thought it might be a good idea to get "ahead" using such tactics: 1 in 1
- Percentage of time used over the last two months considering "Matters of Weight": 50%
- Percentage of time used over the last two months playing a Bob Marley soundtrack in my head: 23%
- Ratio of "I'm sorry I haven't been updating my Web site much lately" to "I really don't give much of a hang right now": 3:1
- How much love I got: If Love Were People I'd Be China (thank you BTC)
- Times I'll apologize for ripping off Harper's Magazine's brilliant Index: 1
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